B.C. Joins The World | William Thomas Online | William Thomas

B.C. Joins The World


National climate change report warns of risk of BC storms... -CBC



By William Thomas


Provincial Government

Press Conference

Coast Guard vessel, Elusive

Victoria, B.C.   

Jan. 24, 2028

Brutish Columbia," announces the beaming premiere, "is proud to take our place among the ragged ranks of regions remorselessly ravaged by relentless climate change. That was a mouthful, eh? I've been practicing all morning.


Jesus, a reporter prays aloud. "Spare us. 


Get on with it, someone else in the press scrum shouts.


Thank you for your interest. Winters, as you know, are bringing an endless succession of hurricane-force storms blocking roads, flattening forests and homes, flooding downtowns and repeatedly knocking out power throughout the coast. Summers feature out-of-control wildfires rampaging through interior communities, along with province-wide drought and increasingly dire water shortages. And of course, all year long the ocean lapping at our plastic-covered shores is dying. Truly, no one who burns carbon can say we aren't doing our part to make teevee news profitable.”


Me next!" bays another press hound, elbowing the reporter next to him. “Ma'am, can you tell us what your government is doing to reduce this senseless smorgasbord of calamity?


Is alliteration contagious, or are you just trying to one-up me? What is the press doing to reduce its senseless reporting?


Please answer the freaking question.


Speaking freakingly, I can assure everyone watching that it's way too late to do a damn thing. We bought the ticket. Now our grandkids take the ride.


Ride where?


Extinction comes immediately to mind.


Isn't that completely over the top?


Extinction? Of course it is. What do you think?


I mean your repeated use of that term.


mass starfish die-off

You want me to dress up putrid mass starfish, Orca, clam and salmon die-offs in a frilly white dress?


“The public is starting to get spooked.


It's about time.


We would like you to be less flippant and more pro-active. One more year like this and the province will be as irrecoverably bankrupt as everywhere else. With no more federal relief available and the UN basically bled out, then what?




What is your government doing about it?


You mean about the pending collapse of civilization? What would you like me to do?


Fix it!


You're a man. You fix it. You can practice by driving your carbon-burner up to Whistler, standing in the path of an avalanche, and attempt to 'fix' it.


So you're going to do nothing more?


Personally, I'm planning to move my family to Paraguay, next door to Cheney and Bush. Perhaps we could evacuate the entire province there. The people anyway. Critters, not so much.


You've tripled the carbon tax, banned driving on odd-numbered days, revoked the charters of polluting corporations, and closed all provincial airports to commercial and military jets. Will this be enough?


“Are you a reporter or a comedian? Even if the whole world shuts down all fossil-fueled machinery tomorrow morning at 8:15, this year's top-scoring emissions, as well as the record-shattering years immediately preceding, will not be piling on for another decade or more. And with all that Arctic methane already letting go...


Stop trying to hide behind arcane technicalities! You know nobody understands this climate crap. We need you to make this go away!




“Sorry, I’m out of the diaper-changing business. But don’t worry, we will. We all will.”

“Go away?

“Lead with that.

 发件人     William Thomas 2019