FORSAKEN BY GOD?

Russ Belville Probes "Red States Moral Values" 

(Dusn't Find Nun)


Here is what a reporter up in Oregon noticed:

“The Blue States have an enormous tax base and pay disproportionately high taxes into the government compared to the money they receive from the government. The Red States pay very little in taxes and receive disproportionately high returns from the government. For every dollar paid in taxes, Red State North Dakota gets $2.03 back from the government. The rest of the Top Ten Federal Welfare Queens are New Mexico, Mississippi, Alaska, West Virginia, Montana, Alabama, South Dakota, Arkansas and Virginia, all Red States, all receiving between $1.89 to $1.47 back for every dollar. The District of Columbia is the biggest welfare queen, at $6.17 on the dollar.

“By contrast, eight of the Top Ten Federal Sugar Daddies (states that get less back in federal money than taxes paid) are Blue States. New Jersey only gets 62¢ back on its one dollar investment. Connecticut, New Hampshire, Illinois, Minnesota, Massachusetts, California, and New York all receive 64¢ to 81¢ back for each dollar taxed.”

Now, what about all them gol dang morals he mentioned?

“The Blue States, those hotbeds of gay marriage and 'living in sin', also seem to be the places where couples are least likely to get divorced. Massachusetts - the only state to sanction gay marriage - has the lowest rate of divorce per capita. The Top Ten 'Til Death Do Us Part states with the lowest divorce rate include the Blue States of Connecticut, New Jersey, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Maryland, and Minnesota, with North Dakota being the only red state to make the list.

“By contrast, all of states with the highest divorce rates are Red States. Of the Top Ten Irreconcilable Differences states, Nevada, unsurprisingly, leads the pack, followed by Arkansas, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Wyoming, Indiana, Alabama, Idaho, New Mexico and Florida.
Belville then went to bat extra innings by checking on elderly persons struggling well below poverty's waterline. His findings: “It is not so good to be a senior citizen in a Red State. The Top Ten Eating Cat Food to Survive states are all Red - led by Mississippi with almost 19% of its seniors in poverty, followed by Louisiana, Alabama, Kentucky, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina and New Mexico .”

On t'other hand…

“The Top Ten Living the Golden Years states do provide a surprise with the reddest state, Utah , leading the pack with only a little less than 6% of its seniors living below the poverty level, followed by Alaska . However, six of the ten states are blue: Oregon, Washington, Hawaii, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, and Connecticut.

Then he looked into child poverty. (Again, red identifiers and italics my emphasis):

“The percentage of children living in poverty shows that it's better to be a kid in a Blue State. Nine of the Top Ten No New School Clothes This Year, Either states are Red, led by Mississippi with almost 27% of their kids living in poverty, followed by Louisiana, New Mexico, West Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Kentucky, Texas and Oklahoma . The only Blue State in the Top Ten was New York, coming in ninth.”

Blue States take much better care of their kids - “topped by New Hampshire at 7% of their kids in poverty, followed by Minnesota, Connecticut, Maryland, Vermont, New Jersey, and Wisconsin. Only Utah, Iowa , and Colorado did as well at keeping their kids out of poverty.

“God loves poor people so much that he made a whole lot of 'em,” Belville continues. “Mississippi hits the poverty trifecta, leading the pack with almost 20% of all their citizens in poverty. The rest of the Top Ten Living from Paycheck to Paycheck states are all red, which includes Louisiana, New Mexico, West Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma and Montana .

“On the other side, eight of the Top Ten Taking The Family On A Real Vacation states are Blue, beginning with New Hampshire's rate of 6.5% of people in poverty, followed by Connecticut, Minnesota, Maryland, New Jersey, Wisconsin, Delaware, and Massachusetts. Only the Red States Iowa and Colorado bucked the trend.

“Sometimes, though, God makes a few too many poor people and has to take some back. When you're born in a Red State, there's about a 1-in-5 chance of ending up in poverty. So it's better for these kids to not survive infancy at all. Of the Top Ten Good Luck Seeing A Birthday Cake states, nine of them are the Red States of Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, South Carolina, North Dakota, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina and Arkansas , with infant mortality rates that range as high as 10.5 deaths per 1,000 live births. Surprisingly, Blue Delaware tops them all at 10.7, which just shows that there is some hope for morality in the Blue States.

“When you look at the Top Ten Likely to Eat Solid Food Someday states, once again it's good to be in New Hampshire, where only 3.8 out of 1,000 babies die, followed by six more Blue States - New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Minnesota, California, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington. (Your kid is also likely to eventually take baby steps in the Red States of Utah, Iowa and Nevada .)

“Everyone knows that the only thing college will do for our youth is indoctrinate them into wicked liberal philosophy and immoral behavior. That's why the Red States feel it is so important to keep their kids out of these bastions of depravity. The Top Ten We Don't Need No Education states are all red, led by West Virginia , where only a little less than 16% of people age 25 or older have a Bachelor's Degree or more, followed by Arkansas, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Idaho, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, and Nevada.
“By contrast, the Top Ten I've Got An Alma Mater states are dominated by Blue States, starting with Maryland at over 37%, followed by Virginia, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey, Vermont, Minnesota, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island.”

Whereas I looked at traffic fatalities for each 100,000 drivers, Belville checked off deaths per 100,000,000 miles driven. The results were exactly the same.

“Traffic fatalities just weed out the weak and ineffective drivers,” he joked. “Only the strong survive in 'flyover country'. The Top Ten Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome states are all red, with Louisiana knocking off 2.32 drivers [per miles driven], followed by Montana, South Carolina, Mississippi, Wyoming, Arkansas, Arizona, South Dakota, New Mexico, and Florida.
“If you don't feel like driving like a real man, consider the Top Ten Sitting Like A Dolt in a Traffic Jam states, nine of which are baby Blue, led by Massachusetts with only 0.9 dead drivers per 100,000,000 miles, followed by Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Minnesota, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New York, and Washington. Only Utah made it into this list, just creeping in at 10th place.”

Could there possibly be a connection between the Extreme Weather mayhem primarily pummeling Red States, and their attitude and policies toward the 'varmint? (Which in those states is something you shoot with a gun.)

Mebbe...

Speaking for those with Reddish necks, Russ Belville remarked: “The so-called 'energy crisis' is just a myth made up by a vast left-wing conspiracy. Don't let anyone fool you with talk of conservation of finite precious natural resources or the pending ecological disaster of global warming. God gave us everything on Earth to use up just as fast as we possibly can. Of the Top Ten I Got Yer Greenhouse Gases Right Here, Pal states, nine of them are red, led by Alaska 's use of over one billion BTU's per person per year. (I suppose that's understandable; it is cold up there.) The other Red States in the list include Louisiana, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, Texas, Kentucky, Indiana , and Alabama. The only Blue State to make the list, coming in 10th, was Maine (and it's pretty cold in Maine, too.)

“On the opposite end, eight of the Top Ten Look I'm A Tree-Hugging Enviro-Fairy states are Blue, starting with Hawaii, where they only consume 219 million BTU's per person per year. This list also includes Rhode Island, New York, California, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Massachusetts. Two Red States, Arizona and Florida , also made the list, but I understand it's pretty warm there.”

What's it all about, Johnny Red?

“So take heart, Blue States. We've got the sage wisdom of poor divorced high school graduates in trailer houses choosing the people who will provide us clear moral leadership on the economy, marriage, education, and housing. The states that take the most federal welfare, yet still can't adequately provide for their very old or very young, will control the tough decisions about health care and Social Security. The places consuming the most energy will direct our policy on the environment.” [Oregon Herald Dec 12/04]
Is that reassuring or what?

AUTHOR'S BIAS…

I was born not long after the end of World War II in a very Republican Michigan (before that flag-waving Red state got twisted around by the offshore unemployment Blues). I am also a former resident of Florida and Tennessee - where I supercharged my rebel inclinations while attending a military school under Chickamauga Ridge - where my ancestors fought the damn Yankees. And died.

Even with the best Miracle Whiteners, how do your scrub your genes?

My ancestors fought with George Washington at Valley Forge. Others went on to slaughter a lot of native Indians, which certainly counts for the most shameful shade of Red.

And though I am sympathetic to their homespun loyalty and shocking lack of hospitality (for invading and occupying armies, I find my Tennessee ancestors' pro-slavery crusade repugnant in the extreme. Still, they did fight the Yankees, leaving me Redder still with their passed-on DNA and blood.

Battle of the Bulge? My family fought there, too.

So no big surprise that I donned a Navy uniform to take my turn defending my country - this time by fighting the “Reds” in a “Red” Republican war. If that sounds contradictory, it was. When I learned what was really happening - and how the slaughter of Vietnamese families was based on the Gulf of Tonkin deception and other lies - I resigned my commission rather than drop napalm on families not unlike my own.

For someone who had aimed the trajecotry of his life at a military career, that was a tough choice. But by then my total lack of tolerance for hypocrisy and slaughter had gone into overdrive as I went on to help lead the anti-war movement at Marquette University in truly Blue Wisconsin.

I went on to co-found several influential environmental groups blockading clearcut logging, and attempting to protect salmon, herons and people from pulp mill dioxins identical to Agent Orange - before putting together the Gulf Environmental Emergency Response Team with artist Carl Chaplin and serving in the oil fires and minefields of Kuwait.

So color me Green.

Thing is, after walking the wreckage-strewn Highway To Hell, you can't exactly call me a big fan of either Bush. Today, after spending years researching and writing two books on 9/11 and its ongoing aftermath, I am absolutely convinced that Baby Bush and his low-down lying murderous cohorts should be immediately arrested and tried for a host of felonies - starting with 9/11 and continuing through their WMD lies, illegal wiretapping, and torture and gulag directives.

Taking the other other consideration…

I'm so flat-out FED UP by those spine-challenged Yellowcrats for betraying repeated calls by the American majority to Stop The War and Bring The Betrayed Troops Home Right Now, I remain completely convinced that despite all their promising palaver, they will screw us again at the drop of a corporate dime. After all, nobody ascends to the Oval Office without the approval of the Big Shots calling the shots. You know who I mean.

Best paint me Red with outrage, and Blue from lack of democratic oxygen.

So heck, I guess all these pedigree peregrinations make me goshdarn near neutral! Or better, an ally with anyone anywhere in any state who is on the side of truth, freedom, justice - and down home celebration.  -Wiliam Thomas