STUPIDDITY FOR DUMMIES
STUPIDDITY FOR DUMMIES
by William Thomas
Stupidity used to be a medical diagnosis. Not no more. The biggest and most dangerous epidemic on this planet is apparently incurable.
“Stupidity denotes an incapability or unwillingness to consider relevant information,” worries Wikipedia. If you have trouble understanding words like “relevant” and “incapability” chances are you’re beyond stupidity and dumb as two bricks. No insult intended. To bricks.
DARE TO BE STUPID!
If you don’t understand something, ridicule the information and the person presenting it. Laughter is so healing!
Since listening is a sign of intelligence and respect, constantly blurt meaningless babble to let everyone know you possess neither. Repeatedly interrupt anyone reciting demonstrable facts or demonstrating common sense to insert your own unfounded opinions. A wise dude named Plato put it like this: “Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools, because they have to say something.”
Honest Abe observed, “Tis bette0r to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
Aldous Huxley simply asserted, “At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity.”
Do your best to make it three-thirds. Remember who created you and why. “First, God created idiots,” wrote Mark Twain. “That was just for practice.”
HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE GETTING STUPIDER
If bacteria are the only culture you can relate to, guess what?
If you believe you almost won over a psychic partner who left you before you met, you’re probably a good candidate for stupidity.
You’re making progress if questions like this really bother you: If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to ‘quit while you’re ahead?
Or this: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
You no doubt agree with Will Rogers who asked: “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?”
POP QUIZ:
If you find yourself nodding your head in agreement, you’re at least as stoopid as Miss South Carolina. When asked why one-in-five Americans cannot locate the United States on a world map, this Miss Universe contestant replied on national television: “Because they don’t know where it is.”
Yes!
REDNECKS ‘R’ U.S.
Remember, you’re a bona fide redneck if your jacked-up truck has a new sunroof because your loaded shotgun fell off the back window rack when you slammed the driver’s perforated door.
If yer still not shure, you can always wear your name tag upside down to your next military formation. When a red-faced drill sergeant points this out, just smirk and say, "You must really be stopped. My shirt is on upside down.”
DUBYAHOO
The man who copped a feel from the Chancellor of Germany on international television thinks “war is a dangerous place.” Gee Dubyah also assured Oprah Winfrey that he “recognizes the fallacy of humans”.
This self-avowed “master of low expectations” knew “how hard it is to put food on your family,” and was 100% certain that “the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
These are actual quotes from the man who once told the New York Daily News, “I understand small business growth, I was one.” Before becoming an exemplary president of the United States, GW one-upped the great philosopher/sage, Yogi Berri by telling a campaign rally: “It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another.”
When it comes to stupidity, America’s top unelected official for eight tragicomic years led the way. “Do you have blacks, too?” Dubai asked a stunned Brazilian President, Fernando Cardoso, before subsequently asserting: “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.”
Speaking at President's Economic Forum in Whacko (sic) Texas, Dubya also famously proclaimed, “I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.”
Stupidity this profound is contagious. As Condi Rice oopsied! at a Washington dinner party, “As I was telling my husb—as I was telling President Bush.”
PEOPLE ARE STUPIDER THAN YOU…
When you’re sitting in a bar watching a ball game and the score comes on the screen and a guy comes in and says, “Is that the score?”
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When someone next to you is watching the same TV show and says, "OH MY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT!?"
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When someone says, “No offense, but... ” and says it anyway.
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When you hand someone the phone and they say, “Is it for me?”
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When someone asks, “Is this weapon loaded?”
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When they say, “Do you think the weather's going to hold?”
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When someone is crying their eyes out and someone else goes up to them and asks, “Are you okay?”
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When you've misplaced something and that same someone asks, “Where was the last place you put It?”
YOU’RE NEARLY THERE SOMEWHERE
You’re making real progress when your buddy finds a mirror on the street, picks it up, stares into it and says, “I know the face, but I can’t put a name to it.” And you look at it and say, “It’s me you idiot!”
Or you run up to a woman and hug and kiss her and say, “Oh my God, Suzie is that really you?” And she says, “No it’s not. But wait till you meet my husband.”
YER PRET' NEAR STUPID IF:
Your house is burning down and you can't dial 911 because you can't find the “11” on the phone.
You’re kept busy for hours turning over a piece of paper with “Please turn over” written on both sides.
MAYBE YOU COULD GET A JOB MAKING UP THESE (ACTUAL) LABELS
On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
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On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
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On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
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On issuing Superman costumes to pilots and passengers after removing the actual label saying: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
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Or simply settle for this actual caveat attached to a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
A REAL PERSON ACTUALLY SAID THIS BUT WE WILL PROTECT MS. SIMPSON’S NAME:
“Is this chicken, what I have? Or is this fish? I know it’s tuna. But it says, Chicken of the Sea.”
BEING STUPID CAN LEAD TO FROSTBITE
Two outcompeting idiots were trying to light a fire. When the first one couldn't get the match to light, the second one said, “That's strange, it lit this morning.”
IF NOTHING ELSE WORKS
Since the slightest imbalance in micro-nutrients messes up your brain, eat lots of fast food and sugary snacks. Avoid vegetables, exercise, lots of good water and vitamins. Alcohol destroys brain cells. You know what to do.
The Nazis (who are still with us) used fluoride to impair the brains of their slave laborers and make them docile. Your dentist may be a Nazi sympathizer. Drink fluoridated tap water often. Nuclear waste eliminates cavities and neurons.
TV has been found to put viewers into an hypnotic alpha brainwave state from which they are unable to formulate either questions or connections. Many practicing zombies watch at least eight hours a day. Go for 10.
If you act like a zombie, all the other zombies won’t notice you. So take care to live a life of habit and routine. Avoid books, probing conversations, new experiences or any other activity that stimulates the brain. Never question the media or authorities. Don’t listen to pinko commies who try to tell you something’s wrong, you’re being conned, or there’s a better way.
Above all: DONT THIMK!
You’re probably wondering why the people who have finally had enough of your stupidity are bothering to sterilize the needle for your lethal injection. Never mind. You’re off the hook after that. As Bertrand Russell observed, “Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do.”